Dearest Japan,

Oh, hello, Japan! Japan, it's been a while, and there is a question on my tounge, long past the point of loomage. Forgive me if it seems like my western logic leaves me naive, or ill-equipped to understand this seemingly simple device of you and your people. You will scoff at my cute little confusion, I'm sure. But, really, this question must be purged, eradicated...asked. Japan. Dude. What is it with the way you ride your bicycles?!

It is my basic understanding that a bicycle, as a form of transportation, offers a mechanical advantage over walking. One can--conceivably--ride a bicycle faster than he/she might be able to walk, thereby allowing you to make it to your destination at a faster rate than if you were on foot. But, herein lies the problem: why is it that many a times I find myself walking faster than you when you are riding a bicycle? Why is it, also, then when moving so slow, so painfully slow, that you insist on riding in the middle of the road or sidewalk, always subtly swerving from side to side, unintentionally blocking my passage?

And, hey, Japan; where did you learn those wonderful tricks? You know, like, the one where when confronted with a blind corner you simply trust that there will be no one riding by and you simply push your way past the corner and out into the street without a second (or even a first) glance to your breaks? That one is breathtaking, really it is. Or how about the one where when retreiving a parked bicycle from the side of the sidewalk you thrust it out into the pedestrian traffic for every unsuspecting person to dodge before mounting it? Yeah, that one is good, tricky. It never fails to get me.

Hey, what's the deal with your high school boys, Japan? Why is it that, when on their bicycles, they MUST ride as though they were a giant pod of orca whales, taking up both lanes of traffic? Is that a national law or something? Could they get arrested for riding on the side of the road, in any formation less than 6 by 6? OH! And regarding your oji-sans (grandpas): MUST they always ride inebriated? I've come to suspect that that, too, is a some sort of regulation-- any man over 70, when riding a bicycle, must be completely smashed out of his gourd.

But, most of all, Japan, why is it that I continually fail to see that I ride my bicycle just like you? Why do I ignore the follies of my own riding-style? I seem to forget the fact that I, too, ride my bike slow, in the middle of the sidewalk, past the blind corners, and with friends side by side as opposed to single file (although, I DO think it was unfair of your country's dutiful policemen to stop me and my cousin that night at 10 p.m. when we were riding side-by-side down a back-alley and then you asked to see our passports and made me sign a bunch of stuff that I had no idea was about).

Japan, I get frustrated when I ride my bicycle behind you, past you, or in front of you. By that's not to say that you don't get frustrated with me also.

John